umbrella

The rain poured and
with a flourish
of your hand
you opened your umbrella
to keep us away
from the teardrops
of the sky that lands
creating our own little bubble
that little special world
where your arms are around
my shoulders
and mine around your waist
surrounded by the fields that cry
floods the kissing ground it tastes..
until the umbrella closed
and the magic left
leaving the sound of reality
to awaken me
from my precious reverie...

/** you were....words couldn't ever describe */

Hows

how long will i stand
to not care when you hold her hand

how long it will take
not to feel my heart that breaks.

How many seconds I've slipped by
pretending today and always you're still mine

How many hours I've spent on dreaming
of the inhibited,wild love that we're making

How many days I let go past..
Staying on the love that didn't last...

How many months I'll live in fear
To cry in vain, awashed with the tears

How many years will I have go on
To realize you are not there anymore

How would I know to stop trying
When each day I come close to dying...

How many ways should i have to suffer
To live the one happily ever after

How many lifetimes will i have to live
So I'll be returned the love I give...

and How many times will I regret...
To lose the greatest man I've ever met....

I guess it will be for now,
for ever, and always...

/** do i need to say more? from what is written, I guess I will be bitter for the rest of my remaning life... */

here I go again...

here I go again..
whispering sweet nothings to the damned
make me believe
of all the things I see
and all of what could never be

here i go again,
building hopes and dreams into the sand
washed away by the waves of time
knowing that he can never be mine
knowing he's something i can never really find

Another hopeless dreamer
another aimless wanderer
drifting towards nowhere
didn't want to go anywhere
she knows where she wants to be
now only if she knows where it's supposed to be...

here i go again...
didn't know if this is the beginning or the end

/** do you know how much it hurts?
do you know how much it burns?
do you know how much I bleed?
do you know that each day I die?
*/

The Difference of "You and I"

Another day, another week, another month...
Times goes by, flying fast
Rewinds me into the past,
Where thoughts linger through photographs
And washed out watercolor memories
Of the old you-and-me.
I loved it that we were young, wild, and carefree.
When everybody thought we were insane,
Running, laughing, as we danced through the rain.
Like a bunch of idiots...we didn't mind.
So what, who cares? on how they find us...
For we were on top of the world, under the setting sun
and with the clear full moon, our lives begun.
Future was not just of houses, kids and cars
But with love for dogs, cats, ducks and birds,
cows, chickens plus a tiger to complete our crazy little farm.
Something about the way we talk,
the endless laughter and conversation
Over nothing, over coffee, over thick amounts of smoke
Whether naked in bed or fully clothed.
I was your RO partner,
You were my best friend.
Cutting class, skipping work to watch movies,
Doing anything from road trips to being giggly.
I watched you played DOTA
sitting on your lap
You held my hand as I cried
over thesis members that I lacked.
We had our own thing going
Individuals, styles, opinions.
we had fears and dreams.
and went through it all.
Risks and challenges
Pain and suffering,
trails and betrayals.
Operations and fevers,
Violence and seizures,
Tears and Laughter,
Everything.
We were there.
Experiencing each foothold
of the life we had
in the small span of two years
together in each crossroad
I became your world.
You became my everything.
that we each held a bond so deep
That even as the seasons die,
We still had each other to keep.
Maybe that is the difference
of You and I...

/** i will always have longing for you...the most beautiful man in the world...you were real...you were kind you were cruel, you were wise, you were filled with hatred, filled with loving and of violence yet full of compassion, you take care of me, you teased me, you tormented me, you cheated on me, betrayed me , lied, and fooled me, but loved me all the same. What person could ever forget you? How can I ever forget you... */

from guitar with love.

fiddling with the strings and tuning
found the strumming pattern and reading
the chords of A and E
along with barred keys
like C#m and B.
and with halted words I try to sing
the song that haunts me
with the thoughts it bring
until each stroke was a painful sin
that grounds my fingers
from the wet tears and steel.
twisting emotions
in my heart I feel.
Until each word come out
nothing more
like a choke
and each tune
came out in a tired croak.

31st

full moon
and another season began,
of inexistence.
The hail screamed empty
thoughtless, meaningless words
that carried me.
Carried me away from the closure.
What little shield was broken.
And thrown into the wind.
Ashes over ashes, the unseemingly unites
over poison, over whispers.
the passion, the forbidden fire was relit.
Through a single kiss.
And once again a tumble into the unknown.

fighting the temptation and failed to a miserable extent of replaying the inevitable, horrible, truth... and a stabbing of the back that dealt a slow, painful, and inevitable death. You will die...You will... Now if you can only save yourself without listening to the jeers of paranoia seeping into your disillusioned brain dripping with so much pride and pleasure of taking away the thing that matters to me, which is both my cure and my poison. Hopefully,you will, as you said, 'grow up...'

Disillusioned

one morning i'd wake up
and it'd hurt no more
one day i'll see your smile again
on your beautiful face
your warm brown eyes that would look at me
with much love brimming from your heart
maybe tomorrow is the day
the anger will subside.

Hope lingers on my shoulder
and whispers to me.
'the storm will pass'
and your sun will shine
forget dark past
and curl up where the fantasies
of your wildest dream come true'

the moonbeams soft and aglow
and the stars danced.
in peaceful slumber I would lay
to ease the lethargy and spite
of the yesterdays trying to forget.
I send this message across the sky.
and hoping you'd feel it
in your heart.

/** An old poem i unearthed in my documents folder...I was highly disillusioned that things will get better...that maybe someday, everything will be alright...I was really stupid...Half-hopeful, half-wistful, half-longing, half-everything...

Sometimes I still long for it, I still hope for it, I still dream of it...

I'm human after all...
*/

Clinging to the Moon

Here I am
clinging on the moon
Defying on gravity
That pulls me toward the earth

It stopped, for all that matters
Nothing to push
Nothing to pull
And left me float endlessly in space.

Whoever wants to rotate the world
Turn it around when you're not there.
To leave me alone to bear the beauty I see
when it pains me not to share it
with the one I love

So, let me be,
Let me cling the moon
For it is all what I have left
Its resonating light
For you are not here anymore
To turn my world around

/** Another sad poem for unrequited love */