smell of acetone
brushed off polished toes
lingered on the soles of my fingers
music danced around the ears
melancholy rage,
beauty and pain
seared through the heart of sadness
that whispered malice velvet darkness
crystal clear waters
drop to an endless river.
eyes dimmed out, unbright
a candle lost its light
far beyond, a soul exhales its last breath
to reach with open arms, the hands of death
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Monday, August 14, 2006
i chose to love you in silence
For within silence,
I can blindly grope at nothing.
Ignore the storm raged of suffering
The tinny hail of sadness
In the deadly hours, I can close my eyes
and stare into a reverie of delusions
that is a reality.
And never will you see
that each time I reawaken myself from the blindness,
the light that glistens
to the fallen tears that cry.
I can blindly grope at nothing.
Ignore the storm raged of suffering
The tinny hail of sadness
In the deadly hours, I can close my eyes
and stare into a reverie of delusions
that is a reality.
And never will you see
that each time I reawaken myself from the blindness,
the light that glistens
to the fallen tears that cry.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
not giving a damn.
why would he give a damn
if i feel hurt, or if i feel pain...
he doesn't know me well enough
to understand what to tame
that I bleed inside
and it hurts as if I died each day
of the passing time...
I have nobody to turn to
nobody to trust,
that my heart doesn't matter,
my feelings ain't much...
if i feel hurt, or if i feel pain...
he doesn't know me well enough
to understand what to tame
that I bleed inside
and it hurts as if I died each day
of the passing time...
I have nobody to turn to
nobody to trust,
that my heart doesn't matter,
my feelings ain't much...
Monday, July 03, 2006
perfect timings
how did you knew
I needed someone to talk to
when you called and said hello
and we had fun
talking about anything kickass
to laptops, nerds, and blue hair
to dota, games, and colorful office wear
thank you very much for the time...
thank you so much...friend of mine...
/** crappy piece of shit... */
I needed someone to talk to
when you called and said hello
and we had fun
talking about anything kickass
to laptops, nerds, and blue hair
to dota, games, and colorful office wear
thank you very much for the time...
thank you so much...friend of mine...
/** crappy piece of shit... */
Thursday, June 29, 2006
umbrella
The rain poured and
with a flourish
of your hand
you opened your umbrella
to keep us away
from the teardrops
of the sky that lands
creating our own little bubble
that little special world
where your arms are around
my shoulders
and mine around your waist
surrounded by the fields that cry
floods the kissing ground it tastes..
until the umbrella closed
and the magic left
leaving the sound of reality
to awaken me
from my precious reverie...
/** you were....words couldn't ever describe */
with a flourish
of your hand
you opened your umbrella
to keep us away
from the teardrops
of the sky that lands
creating our own little bubble
that little special world
where your arms are around
my shoulders
and mine around your waist
surrounded by the fields that cry
floods the kissing ground it tastes..
until the umbrella closed
and the magic left
leaving the sound of reality
to awaken me
from my precious reverie...
/** you were....words couldn't ever describe */
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Hows
how long will i stand
to not care when you hold her hand
how long it will take
not to feel my heart that breaks.
How many seconds I've slipped by
pretending today and always you're still mine
How many hours I've spent on dreaming
of the inhibited,wild love that we're making
How many days I let go past..
Staying on the love that didn't last...
How many months I'll live in fear
To cry in vain, awashed with the tears
How many years will I have go on
To realize you are not there anymore
How would I know to stop trying
When each day I come close to dying...
How many ways should i have to suffer
To live the one happily ever after
How many lifetimes will i have to live
So I'll be returned the love I give...
and How many times will I regret...
To lose the greatest man I've ever met....
I guess it will be for now,
for ever, and always...
/** do i need to say more? from what is written, I guess I will be bitter for the rest of my remaning life... */
to not care when you hold her hand
how long it will take
not to feel my heart that breaks.
How many seconds I've slipped by
pretending today and always you're still mine
How many hours I've spent on dreaming
of the inhibited,wild love that we're making
How many days I let go past..
Staying on the love that didn't last...
How many months I'll live in fear
To cry in vain, awashed with the tears
How many years will I have go on
To realize you are not there anymore
How would I know to stop trying
When each day I come close to dying...
How many ways should i have to suffer
To live the one happily ever after
How many lifetimes will i have to live
So I'll be returned the love I give...
and How many times will I regret...
To lose the greatest man I've ever met....
I guess it will be for now,
for ever, and always...
/** do i need to say more? from what is written, I guess I will be bitter for the rest of my remaning life... */
Saturday, June 24, 2006
here I go again...
here I go again..
whispering sweet nothings to the damned
make me believe
of all the things I see
and all of what could never be
here i go again,
building hopes and dreams into the sand
washed away by the waves of time
knowing that he can never be mine
knowing he's something i can never really find
Another hopeless dreamer
another aimless wanderer
drifting towards nowhere
didn't want to go anywhere
she knows where she wants to be
now only if she knows where it's supposed to be...
here i go again...
didn't know if this is the beginning or the end
/** do you know how much it hurts?
do you know how much it burns?
do you know how much I bleed?
do you know that each day I die?
*/
whispering sweet nothings to the damned
make me believe
of all the things I see
and all of what could never be
here i go again,
building hopes and dreams into the sand
washed away by the waves of time
knowing that he can never be mine
knowing he's something i can never really find
Another hopeless dreamer
another aimless wanderer
drifting towards nowhere
didn't want to go anywhere
she knows where she wants to be
now only if she knows where it's supposed to be...
here i go again...
didn't know if this is the beginning or the end
/** do you know how much it hurts?
do you know how much it burns?
do you know how much I bleed?
do you know that each day I die?
*/
Thursday, June 15, 2006
The Difference of "You and I"
Another day, another week, another month...
Times goes by, flying fast
Rewinds me into the past,
Where thoughts linger through photographs
And washed out watercolor memories
Of the old you-and-me.
I loved it that we were young, wild, and carefree.
When everybody thought we were insane,
Running, laughing, as we danced through the rain.
Like a bunch of idiots...we didn't mind.
So what, who cares? on how they find us...
For we were on top of the world, under the setting sun
and with the clear full moon, our lives begun.
Future was not just of houses, kids and cars
But with love for dogs, cats, ducks and birds,
cows, chickens plus a tiger to complete our crazy little farm.
Something about the way we talk,
the endless laughter and conversation
Over nothing, over coffee, over thick amounts of smoke
Whether naked in bed or fully clothed.
I was your RO partner,
You were my best friend.
Cutting class, skipping work to watch movies,
Doing anything from road trips to being giggly.
I watched you played DOTA
sitting on your lap
You held my hand as I cried
over thesis members that I lacked.
We had our own thing going
Individuals, styles, opinions.
we had fears and dreams.
and went through it all.
Risks and challenges
Pain and suffering,
trails and betrayals.
Operations and fevers,
Violence and seizures,
Tears and Laughter,
Everything.
We were there.
Experiencing each foothold
of the life we had
in the small span of two years
together in each crossroad
I became your world.
You became my everything.
that we each held a bond so deep
That even as the seasons die,
We still had each other to keep.
Maybe that is the difference
of You and I...
/** i will always have longing for you...the most beautiful man in the world...you were real...you were kind you were cruel, you were wise, you were filled with hatred, filled with loving and of violence yet full of compassion, you take care of me, you teased me, you tormented me, you cheated on me, betrayed me , lied, and fooled me, but loved me all the same. What person could ever forget you? How can I ever forget you... */
Times goes by, flying fast
Rewinds me into the past,
Where thoughts linger through photographs
And washed out watercolor memories
Of the old you-and-me.
I loved it that we were young, wild, and carefree.
When everybody thought we were insane,
Running, laughing, as we danced through the rain.
Like a bunch of idiots...we didn't mind.
So what, who cares? on how they find us...
For we were on top of the world, under the setting sun
and with the clear full moon, our lives begun.
Future was not just of houses, kids and cars
But with love for dogs, cats, ducks and birds,
cows, chickens plus a tiger to complete our crazy little farm.
Something about the way we talk,
the endless laughter and conversation
Over nothing, over coffee, over thick amounts of smoke
Whether naked in bed or fully clothed.
I was your RO partner,
You were my best friend.
Cutting class, skipping work to watch movies,
Doing anything from road trips to being giggly.
I watched you played DOTA
sitting on your lap
You held my hand as I cried
over thesis members that I lacked.
We had our own thing going
Individuals, styles, opinions.
we had fears and dreams.
and went through it all.
Risks and challenges
Pain and suffering,
trails and betrayals.
Operations and fevers,
Violence and seizures,
Tears and Laughter,
Everything.
We were there.
Experiencing each foothold
of the life we had
in the small span of two years
together in each crossroad
I became your world.
You became my everything.
that we each held a bond so deep
That even as the seasons die,
We still had each other to keep.
Maybe that is the difference
of You and I...
/** i will always have longing for you...the most beautiful man in the world...you were real...you were kind you were cruel, you were wise, you were filled with hatred, filled with loving and of violence yet full of compassion, you take care of me, you teased me, you tormented me, you cheated on me, betrayed me , lied, and fooled me, but loved me all the same. What person could ever forget you? How can I ever forget you... */
Monday, June 12, 2006
from guitar with love.
fiddling with the strings and tuning
found the strumming pattern and reading
the chords of A and E
along with barred keys
like C#m and B.
and with halted words I try to sing
the song that haunts me
with the thoughts it bring
until each stroke was a painful sin
that grounds my fingers
from the wet tears and steel.
twisting emotions
in my heart I feel.
Until each word come out
nothing more
like a choke
and each tune
came out in a tired croak.
found the strumming pattern and reading
the chords of A and E
along with barred keys
like C#m and B.
and with halted words I try to sing
the song that haunts me
with the thoughts it bring
until each stroke was a painful sin
that grounds my fingers
from the wet tears and steel.
twisting emotions
in my heart I feel.
Until each word come out
nothing more
like a choke
and each tune
came out in a tired croak.
Saturday, June 10, 2006
31st
full moon
and another season began,
of inexistence.
The hail screamed empty
thoughtless, meaningless words
that carried me.
Carried me away from the closure.
What little shield was broken.
And thrown into the wind.
Ashes over ashes, the unseemingly unites
over poison, over whispers.
the passion, the forbidden fire was relit.
Through a single kiss.
And once again a tumble into the unknown.
and another season began,
of inexistence.
The hail screamed empty
thoughtless, meaningless words
that carried me.
Carried me away from the closure.
What little shield was broken.
And thrown into the wind.
Ashes over ashes, the unseemingly unites
over poison, over whispers.
the passion, the forbidden fire was relit.
Through a single kiss.
And once again a tumble into the unknown.
fighting the temptation and failed to a miserable extent of replaying the inevitable, horrible, truth... and a stabbing of the back that dealt a slow, painful, and inevitable death. You will die...You will... Now if you can only save yourself without listening to the jeers of paranoia seeping into your disillusioned brain dripping with so much pride and pleasure of taking away the thing that matters to me, which is both my cure and my poison. Hopefully,you will, as you said, 'grow up...'
Thursday, June 08, 2006
Disillusioned
one morning i'd wake up
and it'd hurt no more
one day i'll see your smile again
on your beautiful face
your warm brown eyes that would look at me
with much love brimming from your heart
maybe tomorrow is the day
the anger will subside.
Hope lingers on my shoulder
and whispers to me.
'the storm will pass'
and your sun will shine
forget dark past
and curl up where the fantasies
of your wildest dream come true'
the moonbeams soft and aglow
and the stars danced.
in peaceful slumber I would lay
to ease the lethargy and spite
of the yesterdays trying to forget.
I send this message across the sky.
and hoping you'd feel it
in your heart.
/** An old poem i unearthed in my documents folder...I was highly disillusioned that things will get better...that maybe someday, everything will be alright...I was really stupid...Half-hopeful, half-wistful, half-longing, half-everything...
Sometimes I still long for it, I still hope for it, I still dream of it...
I'm human after all...
*/
and it'd hurt no more
one day i'll see your smile again
on your beautiful face
your warm brown eyes that would look at me
with much love brimming from your heart
maybe tomorrow is the day
the anger will subside.
Hope lingers on my shoulder
and whispers to me.
'the storm will pass'
and your sun will shine
forget dark past
and curl up where the fantasies
of your wildest dream come true'
the moonbeams soft and aglow
and the stars danced.
in peaceful slumber I would lay
to ease the lethargy and spite
of the yesterdays trying to forget.
I send this message across the sky.
and hoping you'd feel it
in your heart.
/** An old poem i unearthed in my documents folder...I was highly disillusioned that things will get better...that maybe someday, everything will be alright...I was really stupid...Half-hopeful, half-wistful, half-longing, half-everything...
Sometimes I still long for it, I still hope for it, I still dream of it...
I'm human after all...
*/
Clinging to the Moon
clinging on the moon
Defying on gravity
That pulls me toward the earth
It stopped, for all that matters
Nothing to push
Nothing to pull
And left me float endlessly in space.
Whoever wants to rotate the world
Turn it around when you're not there.
To leave me alone to bear the beauty I see
when it pains me not to share it
with the one I love
So, let me be,
Let me cling the moon
For it is all what I have left
Its resonating light
For you are not here anymore
To turn my world around
/** Another sad poem for unrequited love */
Monday, May 29, 2006
ghosts of the past
whizzed past light and sound
memories shook loose free and unbound
by the ghosts from the past
that greeted my present
and relived the past
from the moment's rest
a little twist of nostalgia
a tug of regret from my heart
to remember what used to be
from the times now we're apart
people that came and went
people who stayed and left
reliving the good old days
where there was a you and me...
and a lie to have said
that now I loved nobody.
/** sometimes you can't just forget the past... */
memories shook loose free and unbound
by the ghosts from the past
that greeted my present
and relived the past
from the moment's rest
a little twist of nostalgia
a tug of regret from my heart
to remember what used to be
from the times now we're apart
people that came and went
people who stayed and left
reliving the good old days
where there was a you and me...
and a lie to have said
that now I loved nobody.
/** sometimes you can't just forget the past... */
Saturday, May 27, 2006
tiny hole
armor builds into flesh
was placed to the test
the thought of being strong
didn't last that long
and the armor shed away
and left a teeny tiny hole
that ate the deep roots
towards my heart and soul
/** you cannot completely get over somebody... */
was placed to the test
the thought of being strong
didn't last that long
and the armor shed away
and left a teeny tiny hole
that ate the deep roots
towards my heart and soul
/** you cannot completely get over somebody... */
Friday, May 26, 2006
my type of guy
chinese, mabait
marunong manamit
wouldn't mind I'm weird
gamer, nagkakape
music lover,
appreciates nature,
mahilig kumain,
lumalabas paminsan-minsan
but most important
yung hindi ako ipagpapalit
nor will cheat
tsaka tanggap niya ako
for who I am...
/** it's funny when I texted this message it seemed to rhyme on its own...*/
marunong manamit
wouldn't mind I'm weird
gamer, nagkakape
music lover,
appreciates nature,
mahilig kumain,
lumalabas paminsan-minsan
but most important
yung hindi ako ipagpapalit
nor will cheat
tsaka tanggap niya ako
for who I am...
/** it's funny when I texted this message it seemed to rhyme on its own...*/
Saturday, March 04, 2006
no need to tell me you love me.
It is not your obligation
to say the those three little words
I would do it, you know.
it's not like I don't want to.
You already had me in your spell
you need not tell
we just get it on
a whirlwind of color
until the rainbow fades
and the end of the day came
you need not tell me to be there
through the ends of time.
even though you're somebody else's
even if you're only half-mine.
no future holds with you.
days present is to live for the present
days erased to be the past, forgotten
and the future? never heard of it again.
so what? i love you.
even if im just the whore.
feel free to fuck me.
no need to tell me you love me.
forever i'm yours.
to say the those three little words
I would do it, you know.
it's not like I don't want to.
You already had me in your spell
you need not tell
we just get it on
a whirlwind of color
until the rainbow fades
and the end of the day came
you need not tell me to be there
through the ends of time.
even though you're somebody else's
even if you're only half-mine.
no future holds with you.
days present is to live for the present
days erased to be the past, forgotten
and the future? never heard of it again.
so what? i love you.
even if im just the whore.
feel free to fuck me.
no need to tell me you love me.
forever i'm yours.
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
untitled
another lonesome saga ended,
and you forced resignation.
you're not here
but I sensed your pain
your usual place seemed to tell all
the bright screen closed
and dimmed the surroundings
like it can feel your darkness
crying in sympathy...
/** love is a double edged sword. pleasure follows after pain, pain follows after pleasure */
and you forced resignation.
you're not here
but I sensed your pain
your usual place seemed to tell all
the bright screen closed
and dimmed the surroundings
like it can feel your darkness
crying in sympathy...
/** love is a double edged sword. pleasure follows after pain, pain follows after pleasure */
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Recordings
In anticipation of a phone call
I heard holding through my heart...
Expecting to see his face on screen
But a jolt to see a name.
Hello?
Napipikon ako...
Sila na ba...?
Sinungaling siya
Random accusationg poured
Flabbergasted and outright confused
I blurted incoherent speech
Pushing record
to the mumblings of an insane person.
Who seems ready to kill.
Now my phone has no memory.
Because of four and a half minutes of ramblings
That was an iteration
of the second i picked up the phone.
/** Ngayon pa ako naubusan ng yosi diba...sus **/
I heard holding through my heart...
Expecting to see his face on screen
But a jolt to see a name.
Hello?
Napipikon ako...
Sila na ba...?
Sinungaling siya
Random accusationg poured
Flabbergasted and outright confused
I blurted incoherent speech
Pushing record
to the mumblings of an insane person.
Who seems ready to kill.
Now my phone has no memory.
Because of four and a half minutes of ramblings
That was an iteration
of the second i picked up the phone.
/** Ngayon pa ako naubusan ng yosi diba...sus **/
desolation during lunch break.
I write on a paper napkin in desolation
Inhaling my luckies
Sipping Basic Black
Seated next to my favorite place
Where the seats are drenched
From puddles of rain
Carelessly flicking the ashes
Texting ocassional messages
Wondering how life became this fucked.
How life didn't use to suck.
/** le sigh **/
Inhaling my luckies
Sipping Basic Black
Seated next to my favorite place
Where the seats are drenched
From puddles of rain
Carelessly flicking the ashes
Texting ocassional messages
Wondering how life became this fucked.
How life didn't use to suck.
/** le sigh **/
Untitled.
Blissful
Disturbing
Comtemplations
Worried
Hopeful
Paranoia
Sinking
Desperate
Feelings
Wanted
Needed
Love
Hidden
Spilling
Desire
Forbidden
Unforgotten
Beauty
I live for you...
Sly, Sexy, Bastard
/** thoughts of you... **/
Disturbing
Comtemplations
Worried
Hopeful
Paranoia
Sinking
Desperate
Feelings
Wanted
Needed
Love
Hidden
Spilling
Desire
Forbidden
Unforgotten
Beauty
I live for you...
Sly, Sexy, Bastard
/** thoughts of you... **/
Thursday, January 19, 2006
my little comfort
You fill in the gaps
of this insane life
As I live for the present
but the memories of the past
haunts me.
As you catch a gaze of the falling tears
and look into the mask that hides
the eyes of sadness.
You let me feel a strange comfort
as if you understood my pain.
When you untied the knots
and make me smile
in the smallest of ways.
/** you make things easier...you make me forget the lingering pain even for the shortest of time **/
of this insane life
As I live for the present
but the memories of the past
haunts me.
As you catch a gaze of the falling tears
and look into the mask that hides
the eyes of sadness.
You let me feel a strange comfort
as if you understood my pain.
When you untied the knots
and make me smile
in the smallest of ways.
/** you make things easier...you make me forget the lingering pain even for the shortest of time **/
Confessions of Love
Because the moment
I saw you,
I knew.
You are my everything
I cannot imagine life without you
Because you are my life
But I'm not afraid to die...
As I have felt the means
To be truly alive.
The most beautiful life I spent
On the days where you are there.
I love you
/** watashi no kokoro wa anata no desu...forever and always **/
I saw you,
I knew.
You are my everything
I cannot imagine life without you
Because you are my life
But I'm not afraid to die...
As I have felt the means
To be truly alive.
The most beautiful life I spent
On the days where you are there.
I love you
/** watashi no kokoro wa anata no desu...forever and always **/
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
aftermath of java 1.5 features
monitor
blurs and darkens
as the eyes closed
in falling tears
Drips
in a wretched,
painful
cascade,
of unwanted,
yet longed for
moments and memories...
~Reminiscent.
/**curse you networking lingo that made foo a standard variable **/
blurs and darkens
as the eyes closed
in falling tears
Drips
in a wretched,
painful
cascade,
of unwanted,
yet longed for
moments and memories...
~Reminiscent.
/**curse you networking lingo that made foo a standard variable **/
Monday, January 16, 2006
caramel frapuccino memories
A pile of whipped cream
drizzled with generous syrup
Lovely, lovely lines of caramel
drowns in a pool of caffeine
Over hastily smoking lips
Alternating between sips and puffs
Until the delicious blend of both worlds rolled around sweet in the system.
It used to be your lips that touch that familiar green straw
Used to be what you hold...
over that long talk by the playground.
Now I continue over the tradition.
In a time of day.
Where the afternoon sun seeps into my skin.
Soaking the rays of warmth that left my soul.
As I sit alone with the cup on my hand.
Bitterly flicking away ashes
Forcing it to be the yesterdays.
But to no avail.
Something will always be missing
Always today and for the next days to come...
Life will never be the same.
/** the things you think about when drinking coffee, my addiction for Starbucks has piled to a whopping 5 planners over the holiday season, having all the baristas know me, and mixing me special drinks...but still, I will always long for my favorite coffee partner...**/
drizzled with generous syrup
Lovely, lovely lines of caramel
drowns in a pool of caffeine
Over hastily smoking lips
Alternating between sips and puffs
Until the delicious blend of both worlds rolled around sweet in the system.
It used to be your lips that touch that familiar green straw
Used to be what you hold...
over that long talk by the playground.
Now I continue over the tradition.
In a time of day.
Where the afternoon sun seeps into my skin.
Soaking the rays of warmth that left my soul.
As I sit alone with the cup on my hand.
Bitterly flicking away ashes
Forcing it to be the yesterdays.
But to no avail.
Something will always be missing
Always today and for the next days to come...
Life will never be the same.
/** the things you think about when drinking coffee, my addiction for Starbucks has piled to a whopping 5 planners over the holiday season, having all the baristas know me, and mixing me special drinks...but still, I will always long for my favorite coffee partner...**/
Thoughts at 4:07
/** Sometimes, you just can't hold it in anymore. And a jumble of thoughts squeezes your brain too much information that you burst in emotion (funny how someone who is heartless can still feel the most wretched pains **/
confused
ambivalient
longing
to be wanted.
Hated to be hated on
Cheated to be cheated on.
Overdosing caffeine like drugs of happiness.
Inhaling smoke of iced green apples like the ganja of desire
Writing short little snippets of poetry
on yellow post-its.
My life as it is,
is a half-crazed,
mind-numbing
disaster point
of criss-crosses
and haphazardous entry ways where each road you take
will lead to uncertain signs of death
confused
ambivalient
longing
to be wanted.
Hated to be hated on
Cheated to be cheated on.
Overdosing caffeine like drugs of happiness.
Inhaling smoke of iced green apples like the ganja of desire
Writing short little snippets of poetry
on yellow post-its.
My life as it is,
is a half-crazed,
mind-numbing
disaster point
of criss-crosses
and haphazardous entry ways where each road you take
will lead to uncertain signs of death
Poetry, ho.
It was to my greatest surprise I can still string words like a true emo kid. I thought I lost that power ever since my life was already filled with cloud-nine happiness that I could never even begin to describe how wonderful and how perfect my other life can be.
Shame I have lost that part of me. Hence, the whole of who I was is a thing of the past. Soul was ebbed away, heart was given wholly to someone else. So now, I am a heartless piece of crap. Or to say it nicely a meaningless shell that continue to live in existence.
But still I have the gift to write. Which I will share to the cruel pathetic world.
Shame I have lost that part of me. Hence, the whole of who I was is a thing of the past. Soul was ebbed away, heart was given wholly to someone else. So now, I am a heartless piece of crap. Or to say it nicely a meaningless shell that continue to live in existence.
But still I have the gift to write. Which I will share to the cruel pathetic world.
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